I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You made out with two different species that night
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
