Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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