Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
