The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
