Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
