let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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