do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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