he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
