The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
