My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
