Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
