I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I just found a bag of teeth...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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