Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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