When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
