I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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