I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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