Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
