Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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