Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize
