Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
