I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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