dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
