areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You have to summon your inner elephant
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
