I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
