You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
