True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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