in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
