My girlfriend figured out who you are.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Randomize
