I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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