i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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