Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
