I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
