how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
