Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
