So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
