We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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