god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
