how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
