"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
