she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
