i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
