I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
