Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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