U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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