He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
time to smoke my breakfast
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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