the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Randomize
