I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
