dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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