Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
