he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
